User blog:Warden-Cypher/God Reaper Burst - Chapter 26 - Voices of Doubts

Sakaki's agreed to resume the search for Lindow after i've explained what i saw.

We need to gather proofs first, to track him down and know how much his Aragami Transformation has advanced.

This task seems easy enough. Many Gods Eater are after it, though they don't know yet that it is Lindow they're seeking.

Meanwhile, i'm trying to find some peace. Seeing how any interaction with others angers me, it is better that i calm myself rather than lash out at anyone.

I wash my face and let the water fall down while i sigh.

Why am i so restless and angry?

First, this sudden fall in my abilities against the Hannibal. Second, these flashbacks of my life before being a Gods Eater.

And now, i'm pissed at anyone, struggling to keep it inside me. I'm not fit to be a Leader in these conditions. As i look upon the glass, whispers begin in my mind.

It's back.

During those dark days after i survived, half-alive, half-dead, madness was my only companion. From the monologues i had in my head, voices would come. They would seem as real as mine, but they were not. These voices would keep me company during my wanderings, though it was anything but a sane company.

After some time, i managed to keep them forever quiet...or so i thought.

The whispers in my ears are only gibberish now, but they will get clearer in time. And then...

I punch the glass, shattering it, my broken reflection seemingly smiling at me. Blood drips from my wound as the whispers begin to fade.

I thought i could finally begin to live for myself...

Looks like it will be harder than expected.

I evade the flame of the Hannibal and throw a flash grenade as retaliation. As the Unit run to cover, i jump behind a broken wall, trying to catch my breath.

Let's hope Sakaki's experimental antibody will have some effect on this creature.

I look behind the broken wall, and see the Hannibal looking around, having his sight back.

Getting back to cover, i look at my God Arc. It is still dormant, and the link we shared before seems broken. Now, i'm just a human swinging an empty shell of metal. It is still a weapon, but i'm diminished.

Kota jump out of his cover and begin firing at the Aragami. I hear the rest of the Unit engaging it, while i stay behind the wall, trying to find the will to go to battle.

This is ridiculous...

What keeps me hidden here?

''I'm too weak. ''Like hell!

''I don't want to die. ''Cowering won't help!

There is no use fighting them. I DON'T CARE!

As i clutch my head, fighting the growing migraine, i hear Alisa's cry of pain. Like a curtain lifted on my mind, my doubts fade.

I rise back, jump over the wall, and charge the Aragami. I strike it twice, diverting its attention from the fallen Gods Eater.

I evade its strike, this time more skillfully than before. Jumping under its front limbs, i strike its tail.

This is different than the Litany.

I block its flame attack, and retaliate.

''I'm not driven by anger, not fully. ''

I plunge my God Arc into its flank.

My mind is cleared of concerns.

As the Hannibal roars in anger, its winged halo emerging, i stand ready, as the rest of the Unit back me up.

The Hannibal doesn't rise back this time. The research Sakaki conducted seem to have reached fruition. It's a relief, one long awaited.

I look back at Alisa. She's injured. I run to her, trembling. I never felt an anguish this deep before. I take her hand and force her regeneration through Link-Aid. As the wounds close, i ask: "Are...you okay?"

She looks at me and reply: "Thanks to you, yes."

She looks behind me, where the rest of the Unit stands. I hear them leaving the place.

Alisa rises, standing up. She looks at me with a shy smile. She's so close, but i want to hold her even closer...

Yet i remember that it was her being in danger that sprung me into action. Nothing else managed to do it.

I look away and say: "I was too slow. I was frozen back there, and only when that Aragmi attacked you..."

She holds me tight and reply: "But you fought and defeated it. You're our Leader."

Her words only manage to pain me. I sigh and look into her eyes: "You don't understand. How can i lead, when i doubt my skills? When i put everyone in danger by being unable to act?"

I look down in shame and add:

"I'm not fit to be a Leader."

She rise her hand and touch my face, forcing me to look into her eyes. "Whatever you think of yourself, i know that you have the strength and skill that are required. You have proven it time and again."

She smiles and continue : "However, know that this burden should not be yours alone. Trust the rest of the Unit. Trust me. We will help you however we can."

Her words and encouragement are similar to what Tsubaki once said to me when i became the Leader of the 1st Unit. Lindow apparently went through such hardhsips when he attained the rank.

I take her hand in mine. Her touch somehow keep my doubts at bay. I add with a faint smile: "Thank you."

We walk back to the Den, hand in hand.

Paperwork, again and again. The pile of reports is getting higher by the hour.

I have the hardest time seeing any purpose to all of this. Worst, my mind is blind to this task, leaving me brainless in front of my desk.

I sigh and am about to punch the pile, sending the papers flying, but manage to relent at the last second. I take my head between my hands and take a deep breath.

The whispers gain in clarity. They speak of brutality, of senseless violence, urging me to quench my anger by letting go of my reservation.

I grin and repeat "There is no hate, only joy..."

Even meditation is useless. The peace i once felt when not fighting Aragamis is gone: Anger no longer drives me into battle. Instead, it governs my normal life, while despair and doubt cloud my fights.

When i look into myself, i see a burning inferno waiting for release. Voices yell through my mind, spitting words of hatred and spite.

Strength fails me when i need it. Anger rises without my consent.

My sleep is plagued by nightmares that leaves me clutching my aching bones, and my waking hours are filled with the whispers.

The Red Rage.

It wants me to surrender. To let any doubt aside and destroy everything without distinction. The more i struggle against it, the clearer the whispers get. It promises me of ending my pain and doubts, if only i surrender. A release, but i know there will be a price to pay...

If i keep on fighting these urges, it will turn me into a madman, given time.

And if i give in...

--

Tsubaki has made the announcement to all Units. The Search for Lindow is on again. Not to mention, everyone's pleased.

Sakuya is the first to make it known. Even Soma says something along the line of "let's bring him back." Kota enthusiastically turn to me, urging me to head out and begin the search.

There's just a little problem...

"1st Unit will remain on combat duty. 2nd and 3rd Unit will focus on the search!"

I look at Hibari who has just finished explaining the new orders.

"Tsubaki says that the 1st Unit is needed to repel Aragami, and must not leave the Den."

She did this so we can cool down a bit. Lindow's dissapearance is still fresh in everyone's mind. We don't want to rush into a trap.

And there's the problem of the Red Rage. I explained my concern to both Tsubaki and Sakaki, and they just waved, saying something about my place being earned and that they're counting on me.

It would seem they have listened at last.

I turn to face the others Units. They all make us know they will get the job done.

Rely on others...a lesson i've not yet fully learned...

Annette and Federico rush to me, wanting my counsel and advice. I sense an itch in my arm. I know they don't mean harm, but their noise disturbs me.

Sakuya pleads them all to help us, prompting Tatsumi to assure us his Unit will back us up anytime.

As he enthusiastically asks Hibari out and is met with an affirmative and even encouraging response, everyone laugh. Except me.

I look down, clenching my fists. I've grown at odds with them all lately, in a way i can't control. Laughs, encouragements, cheering...it all anger me.

The whispers are getting more vicious and i quickly leave the scene. As i enter the elevator, i sigh.

One second later and i would've yelled at them. I haven't considered it yet, but what if i'm not fit to keep the rank of Leader? With this Red Rage pounding at the doors of my mind, i'm becoming more unstable by the day.

There will come a time when i must lay down my charge...

I exit the elevator and meet Ren, next to the dispenser, a can of First Love Juice in his hand.

You're still drinking that piss?

He begin: "Lindow was certainly well-loved by his peers. Even though he was a knuckle-head who couldn't even count."

I repress an urge to simply walk away. Your point being?

He continues his monologue about Lindow's intention with playing dumb, and turns to me:

"And look at you. A fine Leader, guiding the new Gods Eater, well-liked by all."

Way to pour salt on the wound there...

His voice turns more serious: "Which is precisely why i need to tell you this: Dealing with a Gods Eater with Aragami Infection."

He begins his lecture, but i'm assaulted by whispers which disturbs my concentration.

"If it spreads, you'll lose your humanity. A normal God Arc will have no effect on you."

Why does he keep talking?

"The way to deal with an infected God Eater..."

Geez, will you stop the drama already?

"...though not foolproof, as you must be a match..."

I can see why he says this only to me...I managed to use Lindow's God Arc against the odd.

No one else can. Which means...Oh, no. I shake my head as the whispers get clearer.

''It's a mercy killing. He's a monster now. You know it.''

Shut up.

''You want it. This way you'll be stronger.''

Shut up!

"...use the Aragami-infected person's own God Arc to kill him."

SHUT UP!!!

Unable to keep it down any longer, i throw myself forward on the object of my anger.

I blink and look at Ren. I pushed him against the dispenser with force, making him lose his drink, but he keeps looking at me with his yellow eyes. I must resist my need to punch him.

''Stop looking at me. ''

He raise his voice once more:

"Let's just say that you were tracking down Lindow, and were fortunate enough to run into him..."

"Tell me...what would you do, if he'd become an Aragami? Would you be able to kill that Aragami?"

I...

...i don't know.

I let go of Ren and he walks away, before adding: "In this world we must make selfish and foolish choices. It's always been that way."

Like he knows what he's talking about.

"The choice Lindow made that day...Would you say it led to a happy ending for everyone?"

You were not there. You think there was much of a choice??

He turns back to me: ''"And as for you...what kind of choce will you make?" ''

I contain myself. If you keep on talking, my choice will be to beat you to a pulp so i will have silence at last!

He seems to await my answer, but i'll give him none.

"Perhaps i've disturbed you with such talk. I'm heading back to the clinic now."

He leaves the scene, and with it my anger fades slowly.

Like i needed that on top of what i deal with recently.

What choice is there? Killing the one who took me under his wing, or let others do it. Sakuya? Alisa or Kota? Even Soma? No one can do it. Not without losing much more in the process...

I should've known there would never be a happy ending to this.

The whispers try to convince me this is what i've always wanted. I claw my right arm until it bleeds, and get back to my room.

Nothing is certain now. Only doubt remain.

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