User blog:One-Eyed Serpent/Never Stand Alone (ARC 2) - Chapter 2 - Keep Them Out, It's Better That Way

The past week was the slowest, probably because everyone in Blood is obviously avoiding me.

I don’t hold it against them, it’s perfectly understandable. Humans are like that. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ is the most appropriate phrase that I can liken to our situation. After all, at the moment, I was something of a forbidden object to them – my secret coming to light in the worst possible way, after all – and they feel better not seeing or even thinking about me.

Maybe the only good thing I did is talk to Julius; convincing him that what happened isn’t his fault. ‘You’re only human,’ I told him. That didn’t seem to work. ‘Humans can’t see the future, so there’s no one to blame but me. Get yourself together for the others.’

The ‘human’ part made me laugh, though.

I find it quite ironic that they’ve sacrificed their humanity to be God Eaters, just as I’ve sacrificed my morality to keep them safe. Life has a unique way of torturing us, doesn’t it? I bet Life gets a kick out of our sufferings, too, probably the reason Aragami existed in the first place.

Damn, I’m looking for things to blame.

I shook my head, blowing the hair out of my face as I trudged down the hall of the Laboratory, heading for the vending machine. I ignored the whispers and even the blatantly pointed fingers, they’re of little consequence.

I’ve only cared for Leah’s opinion of me - and maybe in time, that guy’s too - so it was easy ignoring them. They were merely another face in the limited ranks of humanity’s weapon storage, after all, God Eaters to be sent out daily and ordered to bring back our specie’s salvation from the Aragami. Every single one of us would die at one point – just a matter of when or where or how – so I wave them all of. Every single one of us is inconsequential; pawns to be sacrificed.

I inserted the required amount of fc into the machine, and just this time, I picked beer. I plan on drinking myself into a stupor tonight. That would abate the pain, even if only for a while.

I sat down on the nearest couch, sighing quietly. Usually, I drink with Gil down at the Lounge, maybe even teaching Julius to finally drink himself. I’d say the first few lessons went well, though I’m sure Julius’ taste buds didn’t like him at those times. It was also that time when Romeo-senpai began to appreciate the stuff as well, and we being the good senpai we were, tried Hiro to drink as well. That ended up in a traumatized God Eater.

The happy memory came to me as a shock, though I was quick to adjust and smile to myself dryly. With all that was happening; that seemed so long ago.

I brought my can of lame-ass beer to my lips, only to have it snatched away.

“Hey-“ The words died in my throat, seeing Licca standing there with a concerned look. I sighed noisily, tilting my head back to stare at the ceiling. “You know, I really need that drink now.” I stated flatly, uncaring of the rude tone I unconsciously employed.

I felt her sit beside me, and as usual, the scent of machines permeated my nose. Licca spends more time down in the Hangar even more than I do, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she decided to take a lover out of her machines.

That thought made me smirk.

Was I in so much angst that I’m making horrible jokes? Truly, I am pathetic. Which makes Hiro right; I’m a poor excuse of a human. Wait; am I even one to begin with?

“You look like you could also need a talk.” Licca said from beside me, her voice soft and careful. Not the kind of careful where she’s afraid of setting me off, but the kind of careful that she wouldn’t disturb me. I like her more and more, to be honest.

“Talk about what?” I asked blandly. Well, it was a legitimate question. We could talk about God Arcs, machines in general, experiences-

“From what’s going on in your squad, and how you guys are acting, they’ve found out about your… special missions.” The last word was whispered, only heard by my ears and not the two ‘passing-by’ God Eaters that I really couldn’t give a fuck about. “I know the signs; I’ve seen them before.”

Great, Licca is willing to play shrink for me. “Shouldn’t you be more concerned about your God Arcs?” I asked, a little exasperated. I understand why people would pity me, but this is too much.

Licca didn’t react to that, instead she bit her lip, thinking deeply. I waited her out, taking deep breaths to calm myself.

I like Licca a lot, and I don’t want to take my anger out on her. She’s just concerned, I tell myself, I should be thankful that a person as good as her is sympathetic to someone like me. I really shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

“I know a man who went through the same thing, you know.” I glanced at Licca as she spoke. “He also went on these special missions, and his squad reacted the same way at first. But they’re fine now; they’ve managed to work past that. He could help you with this, you know. I’m scared that if you leave this too long, it’ll become a downward spiral. That never ends well.”

“I know.”

“So that’s why I want you to talk with this guy.” She gave me a pleading look. “Please? I don’t like seeing any of you going through this. You guys don’t deserve this!”

She was begging me, and I tried not to let my frustration and trepidation show. What if I only get worse, and my case was worse than this guy’s? I willingly accepted after all, with no hesitation on my part. No one kills a person – already Infected or otherwise – as easily as I do.

“I don’t know about that Licca…” I sighed after a while, closing my eyes. I can’t answer her, as I don’t know how. Do we really don’t deserve this? I think it’s more like they don’t deserve this.

She made a frustrated whine, and I didn’t open my eyes as she left in a hurry. I idly remembered I never took back my beer from her. I didn’t have much time to ponder over that, though, as she came back quickly, her footsteps muted by hear heavy boots against the thick carpet.

I opened my eyed when she slapped something against my chest, and I saw her giving me a dark look, though no hatred in it. I looked down at her hands, and saw a hand. Covering a piece of paper in her grasp.

She removed her hand when I took the note, my brows furrowing when I recognized this as a number sequence for God Eaters. Why would she give me this? I looked up at her in confusion, and she sighed tiredly. Come to think of it, a lot of people are sighing these days. Is it that infectious? I’ve always assumed it’s only the yawn.

“Just… call that number if you’re ready to talk.” She says weakly. I sighed but stood up, pulling her into a gentle – but awkward as hell, I’m just doing what Leah says if I were to comfort a homo sapiens with the categorization ‘female’ – hug. She was surprise just as I am, but she reached up and patted me on the shoulder gently. I let her go, deciding I’ve done enough ‘comforting’. She managed to smile at me, despite it being small and shaky. “Get better soon.”

I watch her leave. I felt a bit better at her show of mercy, and I glanced back down at the paper hastily scribbled note in my hands.

Could I really do this?

That nearly startles a laugh out of me; I’m nervous of a fucking call and not of killing people?

I should keep my priorities in the right order, fucking hell.

I shook my head as I pulled down the zipper to my Marble Prep jacket, just enough for my hand to slip inside and place the piece of paper beside the pocket watch I always keep on my person. I righted my clothes, ran a hand over my obviously haggard face, and walked over to the vending machine to get myself another drink.

I took a small sip of the ‘First Love’ juice, sighing as the exotic taste filled my mouth. I wonder if I could get Sakaki-hakase to produce that ‘Heartbreak’ juice.

--

A couple days later, I’ve yet to talk to this person that is apparently able to help me. I’ve yet to talk to my own squad, actually.

At the moment I’m lying down on the scanner bed, lying still as I could, while listening to Leah hum to herself a song we both liked. I remember it being titled ‘Heart Will Go On’, but I have forgotten the singer of the song. I’m not really one for romantic songs, but this happened to be an exception. Maybe because of the singer’s powerful voice. Maybe of the sentimental feel to it.

Who knows?

I’ve been on weekly checkups instead of the biweekly like the rest, as my Artificial CNS had apparently decided this was a good time to go haywire on me. Nothing to bad happened (yet, probably), but Leah and Miss Rachel wouldn’t risk anything. There was no way to lessen the compatibility rate – as it’s the cause for side effects of having Oracle Cells being forcefully inserted into your genetics – but atleast they could stabilize me. I’ve yet to do so, they said, but I was in no danger.

Atleast there’s that.

I felt Leah’s presence hover just a foot from where I was lying almost sleepily, and I knew she was waiting for the scan to end, so she could approach me. The scanner was sensitive; it’ll ruin the results if she even let’s a hair of hers fall on me.

It took another couple of minutes, and I was helped up into a sitting position, Leah sitting beside me.

She pushed the hair hanging haphazardly over the left side of my face, and I grimaced a bit when she pulled the eyelids of my left eye wider, examining my defective eye.

It’s not defective in the usual sense, but still, for me, it was defective.

“Still no signs of undergoing alteration to normal color…” Leah murmured, pulling a small flashlight and then lighting it up. She beamed it directly into my eye, and I winced, my eyes watering.

Being a God Eater, my senses were far enhanced. Meaning beaming a small flashlight would be like staring into the sun for too damn long.

Ow.

“Pupil are contracting with no problems, reaction time is at prime condition and no malfunctioning observed. For all intents and purposes, it’s perfectly fine.” She turned the little beam of evil on and off and then on, and I have half the mind to take the little bastard and chuck it into the tornado in the Wailing Plains to relieve stress. “Though the coloration of the iris is much darker than your right eye, I’ve noticed. I would label it as partial heterochromia, but it could be just an illusory byproduct of your abnormal sclera. I find no problems, aside from aesthetics. Now, tongue out.”

I rapidly blinked my watering eyes; glad she finally put away the flashlight. I still did as instructed, dutifully sticking out my tongue as best as I could without obstructing the view from my tonsils. The next part was my taste perception, and the annoying gag reflex.

I don’t know why she needs that last one.

Something cool touches the tip of my tongue, and I was glad to say I could properly taste mint. I gave Leah a thumbs up. The taste test continued on a similar vein, every single one on my taste buds working fine. I didn’t appreciate Leah suddenly sticking her hand down my throat, though, and I glared at her, all the while hacking like a cat that swallowed a fur ball of its own making.

Leah further tested me with other things, and all of them, I passed. It wasn’t until the chem results were shown that Leah found a problem.

She frowned down at the screen, before flipping through a clipboard holding all my previous test results ever since I’m having this special condition.

“Your adrenal glands have been producing Hydrocortisone hormones at a very slow rate, declining week by week by an estimate of 2.034 %.” She looked at me, concern on her face. “Have you been feeling stressed lately? Even after getting a good rest?”

I sighed. “Very, very much.” I answered. There was no point in lying to Leah. Even if I did, I couldn’t lie to her.

“Your insomnia should really be taken care of,” Leah sighs out, standing up to rifle through her cabinets, most likely to get my medications. “Dichloralphenazone for your insomnia and for your stress I would normally prescribe Amitriptyline, but I know how you dislike medicines. So just try not to get stressed out too much. I had let you get away with your work schedule – or lack of one as you simply work every time you could – as you can handle yourself well by your lonesome and you know your own limits. I’m stepping in now, though.”

I stared at the small bottle of anti-insomnia with a bit of disdain, as I dislike being reliant of stuff like this, since I’m afraid of being addicted to it and end up using it as a lifeline. But I put it beside me anyways, reminding myself to bring it to my room for safekeeping. Doctor’s orders, so I can’t argue with that.

“I wouldn’t bother you with the prescription, and other things protocol tells me I should say, but you know the material, yes?” I nodded, silent. “Then I’ll leave you to your devices. Same time next week.”

I was cleared when nothing else is found, so after putting on my clothes – I’d forgone the bandages and eye patch for this day, as I didn’t plan on doing anything – I left quickly, heading to my room.

To be clear, I’ve temporarily retreated to my room here at FRIAR, instead of the one on the Main Branch. It’s better that they don’t see me for a while; cool off and whatnot. Besides, my appearance there would skew our already destroyed team dynamics, no need to screw up even more. If it’s a possibility, that is. This is the first time I’ve worked with a group, and thinking about it, I’m not actually fit for social things.

It was very quiet as I walked down the halls of FRIAR. Everyone chose to mingle with the God Eaters at the Main Branch, as FRIAR only comes once or twice in a year – sometimes never, actually – and it’s human instinct to seek out others of their kind and socialize.

I retreated to my room faster after that particular thought, and I sighed as I slumped on my bed, head supported by my hands as I leaned my elbows on my knees.

I don’t know how lost I was in my thoughts until my phone rang, and I distractedly fished the device out of my pocket, pressing the call button without looking at the caller ID.

“''Ryuu, come down and eat. Where are you''?” It was Gil.

I let out an aggravated sigh, since I don’t feel like walking at the moment. I’d rather go to sleep now. “I’m in my room, Gilbert. I’d rather sleep now, to be honest.” I answered, unable to help the slightly frustrated tone to my voice. “I have no appetite, so coming down to eat would be pointless.”

I was being unnecessarily harsh, but as I was about to apologize, Gil talked again, not at all bothered. “A''tleast get something in your stomach. Don’t run to me to complain about stomach aches.''” The joke fell flat, but I was grateful nonetheless at his concern for me.

The guy really is too kind. “You know what? Fine, I’ll head down.” I found myself answering. Shit. “Just… don’t expect me to talk to anyone of you.”

“…” Gil didn’t immediately answer, so I pulled my medicine and placed it on my nightstand, before leaving the room to begin the troublesome act of going down to the Anagura Lounge to have dinner. “I’m sorry it turned out this way, Ryuu.”

I snorted at that. “You’re sorry?” I asked, completely incredulous. I could feel my patience slowly tearing apart and my body and mind simply too stressed to handle my emotions at the moment. His words pisses me off, and overwhelming fury washed over me, making me raise my voice. “I’m the one that should be sorry! You did nothing, your hands are clean of my sin yet you say ‘you’re sorry’? You’re fucking insulting me Gilbert, fuck off.”

I snapped my phone shut, turning it off.

I stood in the middle of the hall regulating my breathing pattern, also reciting the periodic table based on their known uses. After that, I moved on to the medians in Chinese Acupuncture, and lastly the meaning of the hieroglyphs in Ancient Egypt. I was finally calm after that, and guilt slapped me like a bitch. I groaned when I realized I unreasonably snapped at Gil again, when he’d done nothing wrong.

Can I never get anything right after this? This isn’t how I function normally, and I’m being too irrational when I’m almost never like that. I don’t like it one bit. I hate this so much.

My stress is getting to my head, and this whole morals debacle is taking a huge toll on me. I should go apologize to him personally.

So I made my way to the Main Branch, having to cheat with my speed for a bit, and in no time I’m passing through the Den Gates-

Only to bump into a small, female form.

Since I was had a bit of force in my favor and larger mass than the one I bumped, I naturally remained upright, though I stumbled when my legs got tangled with the one I bumped into.

“O-ow…”

“A-ah, shit, I’m sorry!” I held my hand out to help up whomever I ran into, only to freeze when I recognized the pink jacket.

Nana was back-pedaling from me faster than I could react, and my eyes widened in disbelief when she let out a horrified whimper. The fear and revulsion in her eyes hurt like hell; even worse when I nearly got my arm torn off by a Blaze Fallen Gboro-Gboro almost nineteen months ago.

I bit my lip, then carefully reached out to help her up, this was a huge risk, but it’s something I have to do. I can atleast try make amends to them myself, even just for the sake of not jeopardizing our performance as God Eaters or disgracing FRIAR and Miss Rachel and Leah. “Nana, I’m sorr-“

“Please don’t kill us…”

I reeled back as the soft, fearful words escaped her lips. My hand fell limp, and I hated the painful stabbing in my chest. I wanted to wait and call her out on her one of her jokes, but this is real. I’m not dreaming, neither am I hallucinating. I’m perfectly coherent, perfect in touch with reality.

A reality that Blood sees me as the blank-faced killer that I can be when simply told to.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, don’t kill us, Mama, I’m sorry…” Nana was still on the floor, rocking herself as she hyperventilated. She was going into hysterics, that much was obvious.

I hate seeing Nana is so much distress, and usually, she runs to me or Romeo after a particularly bad case of nightmares. She’d grown on me, and as much as I want to hug her and tell her it’ll be alright, she doesn’t want to associate with a killer.

Actually, who wants to?

I smiled bitterly, carefully stepping away. I understand everything now. So basing on what I’ve done before, they’re assuming the worst and I would do the same to them if given the chance, despite it having a fragment of unforgiving truth. It’s in the human psyche to assume the worst, after all, and the already pressuring threat of the Aragami makes it quite hard for humans to be optimistic. Yes, it’s merely instinct to flinch from something that causes distress and fear. Humans have always been like that.

Ensure survival; keep living. Being near me would be counterproductive to that basic human instinct – no, need.

“I see…” And really, I do. I’ve never been surer in what I’m seeing.

Congratulations on being the shittiest person alive. Thank you for your acknowledgement, Hiro.

I turned, and ran out of the Main Branch, back to the safety of my room. Where no one is looking at me, or worse, in the same place as me. They’ll be safe outside my door; they don’t have to look at me or share space. That’s how it should be.

I never noticed I cried the whole way.

--

I like torturing Ryuuka, most especially by emotional means. *facedesks* I’m so sadistic.

I noticed this can be a TL;DR worthy chapter, as I wasted exactly 2,779 words of just random set-up babble. I did that on purpose, though :P

I’m still in shock of you guys liking the sudden change, btw :O